Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Look at the wonderful mess that we've made

Over the past year or so, I've found in myself the ability to shed all forms of pretense. I was never a fan of anything resembling a veil, a resentment or a quiet stewing. 
Dig them out
Turns out all this time I was trying to be better at so many things, I already was perfect. Perfectly flawed and perfectly sculpted into what I need to be at any given moment in my timeline. 
Wear those flaws, girl. 
Guilty? Say so. Angry? let it ride. Disappointed? You're totally allowed, but don't dwell. 
Tired and run down after so many chai lattes? Call out your behavior, laugh, think of how tasty they were and move the hell on. You're not going to get whole30 without owning where the holes are. 
When all of them are counted - I still know without them I'd be doomed. 
But back to that sweet ferocious Bastille song embedded here --- there's a home in my soul, can you fill it, can you fill it? 
I've come to truly believe we can't be hole fillers for one another unless we acknowledge our own holes (flaws). 
Others feel condescension in your words and actions? ... Dig that out, lean into the people and scenarios and leave nothing undone. 
Feeling trapped by a relationship dynamic ? Dig it out - don't bury it. 
Critical words fly out of your mouth on the regular? Let them out. Let them live. Give your brain the release. Just show your heart too. Show your heart so much it lights up the wonderful mess. 
Haven't called the loved one on your mind all the time? They already know how much you love them. If they truly don't know, then you've got some digging to do - but where would you be if you never know where the holes are? 
 I can't fill it, I can't fill it....  
Some days I count the losses and some days i look at the beautiful pattern my flaws make and enjoy being my authentic self. 
Can you fill it, can you fill it? 
In my ideal world I would be surrounded by hole fillers - we would fill each other up daily. But I'm faced with the sometimes overwhelming reality that not everyone is ready to dig, nor are they ready to hold their flaws out in the open and enjoy the wonderful messes we make. 

Sometimes I sing along to this song and it quite literally drifts into my flawed holes and back out creating a breeze and reason to exhale my expectations. 

Monday, August 29, 2016

This is 36

This is 36. 
It is all the filters I need or want
Because I removed the filters that don't fit.
It is a take it or leave it, but don't ever flee it moment in time. 
It is all mine.
This day, this work, this line 
All the time
It's all mine. 

I'm beat up and busted, but not truly combusted. 

Less a part of the crowd and much more proud. 

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Work is worship

Confession: I have major tendency to wax philosophical and get downright reflective around my birthday. More so the older I get.  So here we are a few days from another number closer to literal middle age-dom.... and I'm drowning myself in wishes for better and pride over what life has given me.

One such grown up reflection is this factoid- I have a job I love. Now, that I put that here - I'ma need you to SHUT YO MOUTH AND NEVER REPEAT THAT. But, really, it's completely true.  I can clearly remember not so many years ago wondering if I would ever have that thing that people refer to as a "career", but six years at the same place, a few job titles later and I would call it a career. There is nothing about my job that I truly dislike. I have a good handful of co-workers, peers, that I love and enjoy being around. I routinely feel truly appreciated by my immediate team and our patients.  But beyond all that nice stuff - I am truly blessed to be working with a physician who makes a difference in people's lives on a daily basis. And beyond all that, I get to play a small part  in an engine of service - a community building, info sharing and funds raising all out exemplary thing. (Specifically, sarcomastrong.com - Team Sarcoma - Uniting the Fight against Sarcoma!!)..
The thing is - work is supposed to feel good. I was raised with the teaching that any work performed from the fullness of your heart is a form of praise to God. You delight the hearts and you delight God. You work with the spirit of truly serving others, and you yourself will be rewarded with God's endless bounties. It's a pretty simple idea that most of us can instantly jive with - but when do you get to see it in action or feel it in practice? Well, internets - at age 35, I'm here to reflect that I'm abundantly blessed to be in a job that gives me daily opportunity to give people the smile, assurance or support they need - and I believe I'm absolutely in this position for a reason and love that my "career" means I get to find that spirit in myself day in and day out.